Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Desert Song

Okay, isn't it amazing how the Lord provides comfort through other people? And for me, He often does it through music. Here is a song my sweet husband shared with me last week by Hillsong. Its called Desert Song. The link to watch it on youtube is here

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain:
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame.

And this is my prayer in the battle,
When triumph is still on its way:
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand.

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain.
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life, in EVERY season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship.

And this is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow:
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Okay, so I hear You Lord! Forgive me for my unwillingness to trust You and believe your Word!

A sweet friend, Amber posted on her blog yesterday a letter that she had written to a friend struggling with contentment. It appears that is nagging at more than just my own heart through this season. I was blown away by the words she wrote, and how anointed they are. Let me share the parts that were particularly significant to me today:

““Wherever you are BE ALL THERE” This is a quote from one of the heroes of the Faith, Jim Elliot. I have held this motto since I first read it in college. It has helped me in times that seem “transitional” especially. It is easy to get caught up in what is going to be and TOTALLY miss out on what is happening that very day. It is easy to hope in tomorrow or hope in the next “season” and where it will take you and completely miss what is right there. People do this all the time, especially women, i.e. when you are single you want to be married, when you are married you want to have kids, when you have kids you want more kids or your own home, when you get both of those you want more time to yourself and with your husband. On and on the cycle goes, satisfaction placed in your own desires and not in what God has provided for you THAT day. Which leads me to my next thought:
Covetousness. Yes Covetousness. I use to think this meant wanting what someone else had, and it does. But ultimately it means “wanting/longing for something God has not provided for you in that moment in time.” Covetousness when played out in this scenario might lead you to not be thankful for what He HAS provide for you. Thankfulness generally squeezes out the sin of Covetousness that we all struggle with. Give Thanks to the Lord for HE is GOOD and His love endures forever! He has not forsaken you and will not put you to shame.
It is easy for us to think when we are in one place in life; the next place will be better. But be careful not to fool yourself that somehow God will provide more Joy for you in your next season (or wherever is next for you) than He has offered you today.”

I am thankful. I am thankful for a selfless, loving husband who is working HARD for our family. I am thankful for a beautiful baby boy that brings me more joy in the few precious hours I have with him than I could ever imagine. I wouldn't trade them for anything, or imply that they are not enough to provide joy for me throughout the day. I am thankful for an amazing family that would drop anything to help us and care for my boys and me. I am tremendously thankful for a sister-in-law who juggles 2 hungry, fussy, energetic baby boys all day so that I can feel peaceful at work, knowing my son is loved and safe, as well as a friend who does the same for me on Mondays. I am thankful for a job that allows me to be home early with my family and have tons of breaks to spend at home with L. I am thankful for precious friends that encourage me and lift me up daily. I AM thankful.

And I will make a choice every day to enjoy richly the joy that the Father has offered me TODAY.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Spring, 2010

Wow, so last year was rough. And it seems like this year might be just as rough. But not in a bad way...maybe temporarily in a bad way, but long term--in a very good way.

The Lord has started me on a journey this semester that is going to refine me like I haven't seen before. And it hurts already. But I know that "He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it." Philippians 1:6

Sean is back to school, which is understandably stressful for him, but also lonely for me. I miss my husband when he is at school. It takes so much focus and lots and lots of precious time for him to keep up in school. Precious time that I covet. I am anxious for the day that I have it back. But until then, I just sit at home and long for him!

Also, the dreaded day of returning to work has passed, and I am in the throws of a semester in which I do not get to spend every waking moment loving on Levi. This is the hardest part of this season of my life. I want to be the one feeding him. I want to be the one to see him smile all day. I want to be the one there when he does his first "this" and first "that." I spend 10 hours away from him every day, and 5 precious waking hours with him. I feel like I am missing out on his little life!

I know that lots of moms do it, and their children survive, and they survive. But I don't WANT it to be this way. I don't WANT to be at work instead of guiding and nurturing my sweet boy. I am sick about it! The mother's heart in me screams "This isn't right! He should be with his mommy, and I should be with my baby!" I know this sounds very dramatic, but to me it IS dramatic. I mean, would you be able to leave this face:

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't think it would be quite as bad if I didn't feel like January 4 marked the moment I lost all the time with BOTH my husband and my son. Sean being in school wouldn't be as bad if I could stay home. And working would be SLIGHTLY more tolerable if I knew that we would all be together at night. But both difficult situations fell on me at once, and I'm falling apart! And the worst part is, I would do ANYTHING to change it, but there isn't anything I can do. I can't change either situation at all. And that frustrates me beyond my ability to stand it. So I'm left with one hope:

Trust the Lord. Wait patiently for Him.

Trust Him. That is literally the ONLY thing I can do to better my situation. To have any hope of surviving emotionally. And sadly, I'm not sure I know how to do that.

I have trust issues anyway, with everyone. I'm cynical about people's motivations, and I generally assume the worst. I haven't really ever been sure why I am like that, but I think this situation has illuminated the problem. I don't trust God. I WANT to. I even SAY that I do, but if I really did, then I would believe the Bible when it says that He works everything to the good of those who love Him. That He has good plans for me and for my family. That He is my strength and my Helper. If I believed these things, I would still be sad. But I wouldn't feel so hopeless about the semester. I would feel hopeful about what He was doing in me and in our family.But because I don't, the Lord's response is this:

"Therefore I will block her path with thornbrushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' ." Hosea 2:6-7

I am definitely walled in. I can't find my way. So my only choice is to return to my Husband as at first. I can't keep chasing after other relationships to satisfy my heart. Sean can't live up to that. My son can't either. Only Jesus can fill me up.

So here we go. Jesus and me. We are going to figure this thing out, and I am going to be a much stronger woman of God for it. I will be a better mother to my son, a better wife to my husband, and my relationship with the Father will be deeper than I can imagine. This is the right thing for us, no matter how it feels now. We are at the center of the will of God. And at the end of it all, I will look back and see the purposes of God in every hurt, in every tear. And because of His grace, I will trust Him more. Praise the Lord that He knows better than I do.