Wow, so last year was rough. And it seems like this year might be just as rough. But not in a bad way...maybe temporarily in a bad way, but long term--in a very good way.
The Lord has started me on a journey this semester that is going to refine me like I haven't seen before. And it hurts already. But I know that "He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it." Philippians 1:6
Sean is back to school, which is understandably stressful for him, but also lonely for me. I miss my husband when he is at school. It takes so much focus and lots and lots of precious time for him to keep up in school. Precious time that I covet. I am anxious for the day that I have it back. But until then, I just sit at home and long for him!
Also, the dreaded day of returning to work has passed, and I am in the throws of a semester in which I do not get to spend every waking moment loving on Levi. This is the hardest part of this season of my life. I want to be the one feeding him. I want to be the one to see him smile all day. I want to be the one there when he does his first "this" and first "that." I spend 10 hours away from him every day, and 5 precious waking hours with him. I feel like I am missing out on his little life!
I know that lots of moms do it, and their children survive, and they survive. But I don't WANT it to be this way. I don't WANT to be at work instead of guiding and nurturing my sweet boy. I am sick about it! The mother's heart in me screams "This isn't right! He should be with his mommy, and I should be with my baby!" I know this sounds very dramatic, but to me it IS dramatic. I mean, would you be able to leave this face:
This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't think it would be quite as bad if I didn't feel like January 4 marked the moment I lost all the time with BOTH my husband and my son. Sean being in school wouldn't be as bad if I could stay home. And working would be SLIGHTLY more tolerable if I knew that we would all be together at night. But both difficult situations fell on me at once, and I'm falling apart! And the worst part is, I would do ANYTHING to change it, but there isn't anything I can do. I can't change either situation at all. And that frustrates me beyond my ability to stand it. So I'm left with one hope:
Trust the Lord. Wait patiently for Him.
Trust Him. That is literally the ONLY thing I can do to better my situation. To have any hope of surviving emotionally. And sadly, I'm not sure I know how to do that.
I have trust issues anyway, with everyone. I'm cynical about people's motivations, and I generally assume the worst. I haven't really ever been sure why I am like that, but I think this situation has illuminated the problem. I don't trust God. I WANT to. I even SAY that I do, but if I really did, then I would believe the Bible when it says that He works everything to the good of those who love Him. That He has good plans for me and for my family. That He is my strength and my Helper. If I believed these things, I would still be sad. But I wouldn't feel so hopeless about the semester. I would feel hopeful about what He was doing in me and in our family.But because I don't, the Lord's response is this:
"Therefore I will block her path with thornbrushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' ." Hosea 2:6-7
I am definitely walled in. I can't find my way. So my only choice is to return to my Husband as at first. I can't keep chasing after other relationships to satisfy my heart. Sean can't live up to that. My son can't either. Only Jesus can fill me up.
So here we go. Jesus and me. We are going to figure this thing out, and I am going to be a much stronger woman of God for it. I will be a better mother to my son, a better wife to my husband, and my relationship with the Father will be deeper than I can imagine. This is the right thing for us, no matter how it feels now. We are at the center of the will of God. And at the end of it all, I will look back and see the purposes of God in every hurt, in every tear. And because of His grace, I will trust Him more. Praise the Lord that He knows better than I do.