Friday, September 12, 2008

Wow

So I have never blogged before, but I have been so encouraged by the blogs of others, that I have finally decided to make one of my own, ha. I am not even really sure how people find your blog unless you tell them how, but if you have found mine, congratulations. You are better than I.

I'm Jenny. I'm a teacher, first grade AND 9th grade girls Student Bible Fellowship (awesome, by the way), and I enjoy a pretty simple little life with my amazingly gentle and strong husband, Sean. (Are you supposed to introduce yourself on here?)

The real reason I decided to start one is that I feel like the Lord has used the trials and teachings of other dear friends written out like this to encourage me, lift up my head, and remind me that I am not alone. We all struggle and we are all a mess at some point in our daily existence. And perhaps someone will be encouraged by my blurbs about my own journey with my precious Jesus (which is sometimes more of a stumble).

Well because being a teacher is probably one of the most challenging jobs in history, I am feeling a little beaten down these days. August is the worst, and getting in the swing of things is sometimes reminiscent of torture in elementary school. But my raggedness is not simply because of my job, though my job plays a large part. I feel like lately the Lord has been heavy on my heart concerning my own sin. I have always thought of myself as little else than one who belongs to Him, wholly and completely. For some of my life I may have behaved and believed like that, and it is perhaps something I have continued to believe that I am, even when I have not lived up to it. But He recently confronted me with the truth that my coworkers know little if anything about that person. I am not that person at work. Not that I am the opposite, I just don't burn in front of them. And I think the reason is that I think of it as temporary. I don't foresee myself ten years down the road in that same first grade classroom, with those same faces and rules and menial tasks. The thought of that terrifies me. There is a voice deep in my spirit that says there has to be more than that for me. (This is not a belief that there is no eternal value in the profession. I believe it is one of the only professions that actually HAS eternal value. I do not devalue it on any level, I just don't believe it to be my true and final calling.) And regardless of whether that is true for me or not, Scripture is very clear in 1 Corinthians when it says: "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him." Whatever the future may hold, this is the life the Lord has assigned to me right now. I am called here. And my life is not wasted if I am a teacher forever, it is wasted if I don't live it to make much of Christ, and Him crucified. In everything. Even this.

So how do I do that? I find myself constantly asking "Why here? Why teaching? Why not singing? Why not another country? Why not movement and change?" I feel as though my passions lay dormant in me because I have no place to use them, no avenue by which to enjoy them! And yet God is silent on these matters. It is not for me to know right now, I suppose.

What is for me now, however, is to remember the faithfulness of God throughout my life. In my weakness, His power has been made perfect in me. In my brokenness, He has saved me. Every time.

So my prayer is this, that I would "be of good courage, and let us be courageous for our people and for the cities of our God, and may the Lord do what seems good to Him." (2 Samuel 10:12)